I'm not sure anyone truly knows how much I would give to be like everyone else - and please, no smart comments about how if we were all the same life would be boring. If I could just be a few inches taller, that would be awesome, and if I could sort out a few other things I'm not sure everyone else sees that would be great too. Of course, how can you do this? Via radical things like cosmetic surgery and growth hormones, neither of which I fully agree with but...if it could give the confidence I need and maybe finally I could look on the outside how I feel on the inside...is it worth it? Worth all the risk? Discomfort? Pain? The thought of staying how I am now though is not appealing either.

Whilst in Italy I met a guy I liked, nearly twice my age but that was ok. I don't know if he felt the same way - he didn't know I was 19 for a lot of the time and I realised how much I wanted to stand next to him and feel like his equal, I wanted to be able to see eye to eye with him...I want to be part of a crowd and not feel like the odd one out, the one with all the problems and as I am now I felt so unworthy of him.

So..what do I do? Right now I'm compelled to take that full time job and save up for, well...a procedure. I have a consulation next week and I want to see what they can do for me, I want answers. At least then with that knowledge I can consider it and weigh it all up. A lot of people think this is a sudden outburst - that's not it at all. I'm just really good at hiding things. The truth of it is that I've been thinking about this for years right from when I became aware of how different I am to everyone, and now I'm facing 20 and the hope of having a sudden growth spurt is closing rapidly. What's wrong with me?